Five Strategies to Manage Holiday Grief
/5 Strategies to Manage Holiday Grief
By Roberta M. Quirk, LCSW, MSW
with contributions from Amanda Cintron, LSW, MSW
Whether you are experiencing a recent loss or one that is not so recent you may wonder if your grief reaction is “normal”. You may have heard this before, but it’s worth saying again… there is no right or wrong way to grieve. We all grieve differently and on our own timetables. Having said that, for many of us the holiday season may magnify our grief reactions and cause us to feel as though we are “going backwards” in our healing. Here are five strategies to help you to manage and experience the holiday season while you grieve a loss.
1. Create a Plan.
The holiday season is rapidly approaching and the time to plan is now. Whether you are grieving the loss of a loved one or are experiencing a loss as a result of a life transition, it is important to keep in mind that self-care is a priority. Taking care of you begins with making a holiday “game plan” early in the season. As you create a plan consider that self-care also means making your own decisions and deciding what is best for you. Consider that having realistic expectations for the holiday season is a way of showing yourself patience, kindness and self-compassion. Self-care may also mean making alternative plans at times and engaging in activities that serve as a temporary distraction to your grief.
Although it’s important to make your own decisions, I urge you to allow others to help. Allowing others to provide you with support and love will ease the pain of grief. Allowing others to provide logistical support during the holiday season, perhaps by providing meals or transportation, will reduce added stress on an already overly stressed emotional system. Utilizing others to formulate and implement an “escape plan” is another way of allowing others to help. You may decide to attend a holiday gathering, yet find that you only want to stay a short time. Engaging a trusted coworker, friend or family member in your exit strategy (before the gathering) will allow you the flexibility to leave early if you find that you are feeling overwhelmed or need time to yourself.
2. Participate in Old and New Traditions.
The holiday season provides an excellent opportunity to remember and honor our loved ones who have died, or to acknowledge losses that we continue to grieve. By participating in long-standing holiday traditions we take the time to honor the memories of our loved ones or to honor our lives “pre-loss”. We allow ourselves to reflect on our past and although at times this is painful, it also allows us to make progress in our healing.
Equally important is to participate in new holiday traditions. Creating a new tradition allows you to acknowledge that this year is different. This is yet another step in the healing process. A new tradition may bridge the past with the present. Such new holiday traditions may include lighting a candle in honor of a loved one, purchasing a special ornament or decoration that is connected to your loss, making a donation to an organization connected to your loss, or looking through old photos. A new holiday tradition may instead be completely independent of your loss. These may include activities such as going sledding, volunteering at a shelter, or attending to a holiday light display or concert.
3. Express Emotions/Feelings.
The expression of our emotions and feelings at the holiday season allows us to acknowledge our grief and to continue our journey of healing. Expressing our feelings to others allows us to feel less alone and more connected to friends and family. Talking about our feelings allows others the opportunity to provide us with emotional support. If you feel as though friends and family “wouldn’t understand” how you’re feeling, consider attending a support group with others who have experienced a similar loss. Or perhaps consider meeting with an individual counselor to express your emotions and to process them in a safe and supportive environment. It’s important to remember that keeping your emotions to yourself may lead to feeling even more alone and isolated during the holiday season.
Allowing your creative self to emerge is an excellent strategy to express emotions and manage the multitude of feelings that are generated by grief in the holiday season. For those with little creativity experience, perhaps begin by journaling your feelings, thoughts and emotions. A journal can be anything you want it to be. You could write full sentences, random words, poetry, drawings, scribbles, anything! For those that have an interest in expressive arts, consider making a scrapbook, compiling a photo collage, creating a piece of jewelry, composing a song, or painting a picture.
For others, engaging in physical activity is another approach to express emotions. The options are endless… you could take a long walk while you appreciate the cool crisp air and the nature surrounding you, or participate in that yoga or rock climbing class you’ve been longing to try, or perhaps sign up for Zumba class to clear your mind.
Expressing your feelings and emotions in a healthy way is yet another way of taking care of you– a way of making self-care a priority!
4. Find the Joy.
When we are grieving the loss of someone or something, we sometimes feel guilty for experiencing feelings of happiness or joy. As a way to manage your grief this holiday season, I encourage you to give yourself permission to enjoy the holiday season. Permitting yourself to appreciate moments of joy throughout the holidays is a gift to yourself, a gift of self-compassion, and is yet another way of taking care of you. Allowing yourself to be present in those moments and to find joy in them is part of the healing process. You may seek out joyful moments, or they may occur organically. As you catch yourself experiencing brief moments of joy, I encourage you to acknowledge those moments and allow yourself to feel gratitude and appreciation for them. To create moments of joy many experiencing grief find that giving to others in need can be quite rewarding. During this holiday season consider making a monetary donation to an organization that is related to your loss, volunteering your time and talents to a local house of worship or other worthy cause, or purchasing an item to donate to a family in need. Others find joy in nourishing their spiritual-self. Perhaps consider visiting a spiritually meaningful place or attending a religious service.
5. Let Go of Perfection.
The holiday season brings out the perfectionist in many of us. But creating unrealistic expectations for our selves often results in unwanted pressure and stress, which is further compounded by our grief experience. By letting go of perfection you allow yourself to be relieved of added pressure and stress.
This holiday season is the time to listen to your body’s cues and eliminate stressors that cause you tension and frustration. That includes saying no to invitations that will require you to be around others who annoy or aggravate you. Eliminating unnecessary stress means that this is the holiday season to simplify! It is OK if you are not up to sending out your annual holiday card, it is OK if you shop on-line, and it is OK to order pre-made holiday meals. Now is not the time to take on new responsibilities; save that for the New Year.
To cope during the holiday season it is critical to remember this mantra… self-care is a priority! Taking care of yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually will go a long way in helping you to manage your grief this holiday season.